POSITIVE INNER TALK.....

is the hardest thing for me to do.  After years and years of being my biggest critic I have been encourage to practice positive inner talk.  A few of my mantras are:  Today is going to be a great day, good things are going to happen today, I am enough, and I am worth it .  These are just a few of the things I have been telling myself each day.  As you can imagine the opposite of each of these are what usually goes through my head.  In a nut shell, without really realizing it I have been bringing myself down. 

Some other things that have been bring me down....every Wednesday we go to dinner with my father and his girlfriend.  This past Wednesday, I send the usual text asking them what time we are meeting.  and the response is, "we aren't really interested in going to dinner we are just going to go and get a few beers." Meaning, "we aren't really interested in seeing you guys tonight, we're just going to drink and you aren't invited."  Then I had to change our dinner plans because they were still going to the pizza place we were going to.  And if they were still going, and we weren't welcome, we had to go somewhere else. On one hand I can understand that maybe they aren't in the mood to hang out with us and the kids but I can't help but be hurt by this.  I started this getting together once a week so the my dad could spend some time with the kids.  I'm not forcing them to spend time with us.  They/he should want to.

So with this all still going on in my head I say to myself:

Today, I am enough,
Today, I am worth it,
Today is going to be a great day and good things are going to happen!

It's like having an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other.

On the Brink and peeking over the edge

I am on the brink of understanding why I am the way that I am...hmm, what exactly does that mean?  After many written and digital tests I have been diagnosed with Adult ADHD.  At 33 years old my doctor tells me that I have a disorder that I expect only children to suffer from.  The irony is that looking back I DID suffer from ADHD as a kid but no one realized it.

This explains SO FREAKING MUCH!  Now that my eyes are open to this I am so hopeful that I can finally move forward and make the changes in my life that I have always hopped for!

Stay tuned....hopefully I can stay focused enough to keep writing, oh look, a chicken....wait, what was I saying?  LOL

Rough Start to the Week...

Monday was a nasty day. We had to take our 17 year old cat to the vet to be put to sleep. I've never put an animal to sleep before and I am amazed at how fast it happens. I imagined it totally differently. Fast is better than what I imagined though. He was my moms cat and was around 17 years old. He was a beautiful little guy and I will miss him dearly.

It's funny because I have grown so tired of have animals in my house because of all the cleanup they require. I'm surprised by how hard putting shadow to sleep has been for me. I like to think that I have a little bit of the ability to detach myself from difficult situations. Apparently not this time. RIP Shadow Cat. I do hope you are with mom now.

The Forgiveness Project Seminar

Today I attended a seminar about forgiveness. It was pretty enlightening. There were a few things that stuck out to me. What's eating you up? We have a kink in our hose (this one is my favorite) when we carry too much hate and anger around with us. There is no relationship between forgiving and forgetting. Forgiving someone or something doesn't mean you are letting them/it off the hook. There are always consequences for what we do. So, with that all being said, where do I go from here? I guess I need to figure out "what's eating me up?" Wish me luck!!

This is the link to their website.
http://www.releasenow.org/

A big dose of reality....

I am extremely tired today and a little sad. What do these two feelings equal? Food, food and you guessed it, more food. But today I am fighting the urge to eat everything in sight. What I would normally do is find a Betty Crocker container of vanilla or chocolate icing, crack open the foil lid that keeps it fresh, fish a spoon out of the drawer and dig in. How horrible is that, I'm diabetic and somehow I can justify this action. I've had a bad day, or I'm tired, I'll only eat a little bit. Um, not only is this self sabotage but what about the adverse affects to my health. I can ignore these facts though, right? So tonight, here I sit, no junk to eat, no icing. Instead I am sitting here with my emotions, feeling them instead of feeding them.

I went to spin class and subway last night with Kelly. It was a good class. I realize that I have to build up my shamanic again since I haven't gone for a while. So for now I'm not going to make a strict exercise plan, I'm just going to plan to exercise as much as I can.

Lets all spend sometime being ok with ourselves. Afterall, we're stuck with ourselves. :)

I want to RUN!!!

I want to run....I want to step outside, onto the pavement in the cool of the morning and run. I want to run....I want to hear the pounding of my footsteps on the pavement and sounds of my breath, 1 - 2 -3...1 -2....

Running is something I have always told myself that I CANNOT do. I cannot run, I am to heavy. I can not run, I am to out of shape. I can not run, I will look fat and stupid. I can not run, it hurts too much. I could do this for days. The excuses I don't share with others because they are ridiculous. Yet I allow myself to continue to use them. Well, I really need to figure this out. I want to be fit and healthy yet I am the only person getting in the way of this.

Tonight I am going to spin class with my friend Kelly. Some other friends will be there as well. I need to figure you why I stopped working out and how to get back to it. I keep considering WW but the cost holds me back. I feel like this is a last ditch effort. If I can't do it this time, then what?

Fingers crossed, I tread lightly as I move ahead....I don't want to scare myself because I really need to keep going this time.